


alone

by fubukishirou



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, just about getting back into the groove of writing after a cold hard dead many months, kurapika horribly embarrasses himself, maybe a year
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 17:08:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7853767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fubukishirou/pseuds/fubukishirou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>tw for drug use and self harm<br/>kurapika loses his usual motivation and instead explores the world of drug use. trouble ensues</p>
            </blockquote>





	alone

**Author's Note:**

> tw for class a use. and self harm references and mentions !! quite heavy n dark but also fluff if u squint hard enough with the right glasses on  
> i wrote this in 3 hours its 2 am  
> i dont advocate drug use its PRETTY DANGEROUS and uncomfortable but tbh most of this references my experiences so. quite self-indulgent. maybe a tiny bit ooc? could be its been like 2 yeasr since i watched hxh u see HELL TIME FLIES idk when episode 148 aired. last year? 2014? my memory is bad. but whenever that was it was long as hell ago.

He would find ways to destroy himself - to forget for a second about the pain of the past and focus on the pain of the present. Now that it was all over, now that his clan had been restored in spirit... that didn't make it less painful. His life goal was fulfilled and now all he felt was emptiness. But it wasn't just now that Kurapika had decided to abuse himself - his chains would dig into his skin, he'd lay out several white lines mixed with a bottle of 40% liquor. He didn't bother checking what it was, he was completely unfamiliar with most types of booze. All he would look for was the volume of alcohol - what would get him pissed quickest so he could forget, so for once he didn't have to be in control. And he tried his best to keep it secret, but of course his friends suspected it. He'd always been so self-destructive; if not physically, it was mentally. Exerting ones limits counts as self harm, of course, and this worried his friends.

And he hoped that collecting the eyes of the Kurta would restore some faith in him, that he would see things differently. Life could be better. He could live in reality painlessly, and that being sober wouldn't drain him of his energy. But the truth was after a few weeks of relief... nothing had changed. There were just less nuisances in the world. And the high of chasing after them, hiding from them, tricking them. There was no drug in the world that could measure up to that high. That was when he was at his best - his emotional peak. The rage was so intense, it was like he became an entirely different person and for a moment nothing mattered but ending their life and recovering the dignity and pride of the Clan, which he so frequently had to swallow. Kurapika lived for the buzz in his ears and how everything went to autopilot; how everything became hazy and he had no idea who he was but all that mattered was the bloodshed. But now he had nobody left to kill.

And he missed that high.

He missed that high more than anything in the world, and would try most everything to recreate that. But nothing could amount to it. He resorted to his own bloodshed, starting off with using his chains and ending up using a scalpel and oftentimes needing stitches, but refusing to do anything about it. Perhaps he could bleed out. It wasn't as if he cared about anything anymore. Kurapika was aware he destroyed his close relationships to restore the eyes of his Clan. And he didn't regret restoring the Clan... but he often caught himself thinking. What would life be like if I had different goals? If fury and loathing didn't control every day, minute, second, moment of my life? Would I be happier? Would I have such a hole in my chest? Would I constantly be devoured by guilt and anxiety and paranoia?

But there was no need to dwell on the past. He lived in the darkness now. He had changed - of course he had. What was done was done. He was alone... again. And he had been for quite some time after suddenly disappearing from the lives of his close friends. He had no clue if they were even alive, being as reckless as they often were. Kurapika had always considered himself an overthinker, and the drug use only made it worse. He was strictly left to his own thoughts and he could feel his chest constraining, his throat tightening as oxygen was harder and harder to draw in. Everything flickered with white lights, going from focused to blurry. Suddenly he could hear the silence of the room and his heart beat was thudding against his chest, almost painfully.

_Oh my God, oh my God am I having a heart attack? Oh my God I'm dying... I'm dying this it it. I'm dying. I've ruined it all and I'm dying._

He took in a sharp breath as his chest started to ache and palpitations began pounding at him, reminding him of how much grief and sorrow he caused his friends.

_Fuck - it's all my fault. It's all my fault it's all on me I can never go back to them._

He clenched his fists as depression-induced nausea suddenly consumed him, running to the bathroom in the absence of light. The blonde threw up the toilet seat and bent over, gripping the sides of the toilet so hard his knuckles were quickly turning light.

Another anxiety attack. It was pathetic of him. Tears welled up in his eyes as he calmed down and buried his face in his arms, still leaning over the toilet. _Deep breaths, Kurapika. Deep breath in. Count to 5. Hold it in. Count to 5. Exhale. Count to 5._  
And then the flashbacks started - flashbacks of Chrollo's smug face, of Leorio smiling, of Killua and Gon running off when he'd told them to stay put, of the bloodshed when his Clan was massacred.  
It wasn't a good day to be sober. He hated being sober.  
His mind was just racing so fast - he needed something to stop the thoughts before he did something detrimental to his health.  
And his clouded judgement decided that what would stop him from ravaging his health was... doing more drugs.

Kurapika attempted to gather up the energy to get up and, after a good few minutes, finally lifted himself. Slumping, he trudged to his bedroom without the aid of a light source. He'd gotten used to it - he knew the place off by heart, practically. Even pouring himself booze, he wouldn't use light. It was a fun guessing game: guess what the fuck you're drinking. Best played with friends, which he had none of. His bony hand contrasted against the darkness, looking like the hand of a ghost or skeleton. He fixated on it for a while.  
_When did I lose so much weight? Who knows. It's not exactly like I appreciate my reflection._ His hand fumbled with the drawer, finding the handle before reaching into it and picking out the first solid he could find.

It was round. He brought it to his nose. Scentless. A pill. Kurapika was unfamiliar with pills - he'd recently acquired a few but decided to save it for a particularly bad time. Perfect. He didn't care for the risks, he just wanted the rush. Placing it on his tongue, he regurgitated the little saliva he had left in his mouth (surprised he still had any, for the anxiety attack really dried him out) and dry swallowed, wincing at the feeling of it being stuck in his throat momentarily. _Maybe I should have a glass of water... just in case._

Minutes passed. 5. 10. 15. 20. Sat at the mahogany table in his house, slouching over and leaning on his hand with nothing but his thoughts again.  
He knew pills of all kinds took a while to kick in, but he had a lingering sense of doubt. _Does this even work? Was I given a fake? I've been ripped off. I can't believe I was scammed._  
But in that moment, he felt a... rising sensation of sorts. Like he had been punched in the chest, winded, and was gathering back his breath. His eyes opened up as wide as he'd ever dared open them. He grew in height as he rose from his bad posture and he suddenly felt the urge to look at his reflection.  
Lights were turned on for the first time in weeks as he dared peep in the mirror - and instead of the usual white light, he found everything was... scarlet. Apparently including his eyes in the mirror and oh my God his pupils were the size of discs - if Leorio had seen him like this...

And then he started thinking about Leorio. It felt like 30 minutes had passed, but he didn't know for sure.  
_My phone my phone I need my phone my phone! I need it where is it?_  
It was in front of him, luckily, even though it took him a while to locate where exactly 'in front' of himself was.  
Despite not having turned it off in months, his battery was still going quite strong.  
_Leorio Leorio Leorio Leorio oh I miss Leorio so much we should be friends I love him._  
As the harsh light shone on his face from his phone, he had trouble distinguishing the text from the rest of the screen as it was all such a vivid shade of scarlet, but he could just about... make out the word... 'Leorio'.  
But his hands wouldn't co-operate properly. He just couldn't seem to press the call button - no thanks to his hands shaking like they were causing a magnitude 8.0 earthquake. He could hear his teeth chattering and grinding.  
_I'm so fucked up I'm soooo fucked up._  
**RING RING**  
When did he call Leorio?  
Answer phone.  
_I'll try again._  
This time, he picked up on the first ring.  
"Kurapika, where the hell have you been all this time? You left me - US - when we needed you most, and we did NOTHING but help you as much as we could even though WE KNEW IT WAS WRONG what we were doing but it was for YOU, our FRIEND-"  
Kurapika wished he understood what Leorio was saying to him... but none of it sounded like real words?  
"Leorio whereareyou, I need you rightnowIneedtotalktoyounow where are you?"  
"Kurapika, slow down, why are you talking so fast? If you want to explain yourself, I'm free tomo-"  
"I need you now I needtotalktoyourightnowplease where are you?"  
Incidentally, they were in the same area.  
Kurapika needed to feel Leorio. He needed his touch - even a hug would suffice, but he was willing to do so much more for Leorio. He felt nothing but love for Leorio. Leorio - it was all about Leorio.  
Gon and Killua were fine left with each other, he figured, but Leorio was alone in the world and so was Kurapika, and so when they found each other, they were each other's missing puzzle piece.  
"Fine. I'll meet you at the bar, but you have to explain everything to me. Else I'm leaving, Kurapika."  
"Yeah that's ok I'll see you ok I'll be right there okay, you'll see me because I'll be right there."  
"Uh... yeah. Well, I mean it. I really do."  
And Kurapika hung up, the widest smile on his face, teeth gritting and chattering excitedly. He felt a bead of sweat roll down his head.  
_Sunglasses... sunglasses... sunglasses SUNGLASSES!_  
After his endeavours with the spiders, he of course kept his completely convincing disguise as the glasses, he felt, were quite protective of the sun.

This was his first time leaving the house in... he didn't know. And he wasn't exactly sure what time it was, whether it was light or dark but he didn't care. For in that moment, he was the happiest he'd ever possibly been, even thinking of all the endured trauma, even thinking of all the disloyalty he'd shown his friends. Because it wasn't about the past. It was about now - and he didn't have a care in the world but seeing Leorio. As he opened his front door, the sunlight hit him impossibly fast. His eyes went from widened to squinting - everything was so much more intense and less grey than he remembered. Well, everything was red. But... so much more red. He couldn't explain how red but it was such a brilliant shade he could've sat down on the spot and just looked at scenery for hours. It was mesmerising.  
Wait- Leorio!

Kurapika had little idea where he was going, but his muscle memory brought him to the place he was sure he was intending to go. Of course, he looked a little odd going in there with shades on, but not as abnormal as a blonde haired boy in a suit with glowing red eyes. And there he saw him. Leorio. His smile could've broke the world - or his face.  
He snuck up to the man and whispered in his ear harshly "Leorio! It's me!"  
Leorio looked unimpressed.  
"Explain everything. Now. Why are you wearing those shades? We're indoors. Take them off, you idiot."  
Kurapika maintained his harsh whisper. "I can't, you see because- be-because." He stopped in the middle of his sentence to giggle.  
"Oh my God, Kurapika, are you...?" Leorio's sizely hand whipped up to the drugged boy's face and swiftly took his sunglasses off, shocked by the intense red of his iris and inhumanly dilated pupils. "Fuck... this is bad. Pika - No, I'm not gonna call you that. Come with me, Kurapika."  
_Happy to oblige,_ he thought to himself, the severity of the situation refusing to strike him.

* * *

  
Leorio locked the bathroom stall after him.  
"What have you taken?"  
"Leorio, I'm so happy to see you right now. I missed you so much!" he beamed, still talking impossibly quick.  
"Slow. Down. I'm not so happy to see you- I thought it was urgent. I thought you needed my help."  
Kurapika's ridiculous smile just widened more. "I do." And with that he went in for a passionate, albeit clumsy kiss. Unfortunately, Leorio protested, shoving him off.  
"Kurapika - no. That's not happening. Oh my God, this is so bad. I just... I wish you never went and left us, everything's so complicated and..." The man was under a lot of stress, burying his head in his hands.  
Giggling, Kurapika fondled with Leorio's belt. "It doesn't HAVE to be complicated... just forgive me and we can all live magically! And happy ever after blah blah!"  
Leorio always had a thing for Kurapika. It was blatant. Kurapika always had a thing for Leorio, and were the circumstances different he would've consented to whatever Kurapika wanted most.  
But he was furious. And Kurapika was high.  
"Kurapika. Stop it. You're being so... weird. You're so out of character."  
This was agitating. Kurapika wanted nothing more than to rip Leorio's pants off right now - didn't he get it? Was he not being direct enough?  
"Please, just tell me. You took MDMA, right?"  
"I don't know, maybe I did, maybe I didn't but I missed you so much Leoriooooooo..."  
And then everything went so slow, so dark for a second and then there was an intense burning on his cheek. But when his sight returned, he saw the man he adored, holding out a palm. _Did he just... slap me? No, Leorio wouldn't do that! I don't like this anymore. I want to be myself. I want to come down. I'm never doing drugs again. This was such a mistake - I'm making such a fool of myself._  
This, of course, played in his mind so often when he was intoxicated it was practically a melody to him at this point. Familiarity amongst the unknown. He despised drugs and he despised what he was doing to himself. Five years ago, he wouldn't have imagined this was going to be how pathetic he turned out.  
And then Leorio took Kurapika into his arms - and it was such an odd experience, for Kurapika was sure he could feel not only a physical warmth from the older doctor, but also an emotional warmth. As if despite his anger, Leorio still loved him. As if.  
But maybe it was just the drugs talking.  
And then he heard the sniffling of the enraged man. Like he was crying. Surely not? But when Leorio pulled away, his eyes were glassy and flickering in the light. His warm, oversized palms were based on the dip in Kurapika's collarbones.  
"Pika. Don't get me wrong, I am so... I'm absolutely... FUCK- I'm SO fucking ANGRY at you. But you're a helpless case so I'm going to stay with you until you come down, and then we'll talk."  
And he did.

And Kurapika found, when he was completely sober, that he had somehow ended up back in his residency. When or how didn't matter to him but rather the presence of the man he had missed so intensely.  
"Are you straight?" the doctor asked, concerned.  
"Well my sexuality is my own business, I believe, but if you're fretting about whether or not I'm sober, I..." He trailed off. "...Aha. I lost the right to be cocky when I abandoned you." What would've been a wave of happiness turned into a wave of hopelessness. The come down was harsh, but he was familiar with it, and were he not in the presence of his doctor friend he had deserted such time ago, he probably would have done something drastic.  
"You did, and normally I'd have a go at you but... you're already a mess." The words were harsh, but his tone was gentle and sincere. Seeing Leorio this way was so rare and so nostalgic. He felt a pang of pain in his chest.  
"I... I don't know Leorio. I just... I don't know." Kurapika physically found it a struggle to open up - he was harder to get a word out of than anyone Leorio had ever met. And even Leorio himself was quite stubborn.  
"One step at a time, Pika. First, when did you... start?"  
"Start what? Abusing myself? Self harming? Substance abuse?"  
"All of it."  
"Well... I work myself hard... impossibly hard. I set standards for myself I could never possibly reach. I don't know when that begun, but I'd be offended if you never noticed that."  
"Of course I noticed. And I told you to calm down else it'll get worse, didn't I?"  
"... I guess that was the start of my self harm. It was mental at first, and then when I was disappointed or frustrated with myself I would clench my fists until my nails dug in. And eventually, they dug in so deep it would bead blood. Around the time I first met you. A few months later. I'm not certain. And then I guess it led to... worse." He turned away sheepishly, a guilty smile embedded on his face as he pulled his sleeves over his hands, rubbing his forearm.  
"How bad did... that get?" Leorio was trying to conceal the hurt in his eyes, but Kurapika could see it. He was too good at reading people - especially Leorio. Leorio failed to hide secrets from him; it all showed so bluntly on his face. Kurapika smiled for a moment, lost in his thoughts and completely forgetting the question was asked. "Hey- Pika! How bad did it get?"  
Kurapika snapped back to reality. He observed his ghastly hand for a moment, particularly paying attention to his yellowed but pointed nails.  
"Bad. Stitches bad. I don't wear short sleeves."  
Leorio had noticed that too, but had always dismissed his paranoia, insisting to himself every part of his attire was Clan pride, underclothes included. It striked him as slightly odd in summertime, but Kurapika did strike him as sui generis. And he lived up to that expectation. Not always kindly.  
"And the substances... when I got to Yorknew City. It's an expensive city... and a shady one at that. I just wanted to try to take the edge off of myself. I was afraid. I was paranoid. And... needless to say I was angry. I just wanted to escape all that." He sighed. "Don't confuse it, though. I was disgusted with myself. My Clan would be disgusted with me. Gon and Killua would be disgusted. You should be. Reality is just so cruel."  
Leorio acknowledged his thorough answer, impressed at his honesty and truly appreciating it. The silence in the room was heavy and lingering, but Leorio was the one to break it with a heavier question.  
"So... why? Why did you leave?"  
"The first time I ignored your calls, I was being consumed by anxiety. I wanted nothing more than to be alone and fade away. The second time, I wanted to prove my strength and individuality. I-I don't know what got into me. I don't know who mounted me on my high horse - I should've felt worthless. But I felt so in charge and powerful, yet so distant and inhuman. The Troupe were monsters, but I sunk to their level. I feel disgusted by the way I had to avenge my Clan. I got what I wanted and I felt like I could do anything but I should've known how it would turn out. I'm sorry. After the initial rush of collecting the Clan's eyes, I came down from that high... natural high, mind you, and understood just how pathetic I was. And I felt like I was useless to you. I was too anxious. But I missed you." His voice was getting choked, but Leorio knew the kurta wouldn't let his tears come through.  
"You had us all so worried... well, I'm still worried but we had no idea what happened to you. And you left us when we needed you most. I don't know if I can forgive you for that. So much has happened with Gon and Killua that's better left unsaid... but I'm willing to give us another chance." Kurapika smiled subtly at the prospect of this, too exhausted to beam happiness but also feeling self-pity. He didn't deserve Leorio. Under all that anger was a kind, caring man and he had suspected it from the start, their first few moments together. "Please do something with yourself. Don't let yourself waste away, Pika."  
"I'll consider it."  
Leorio sighed. 'I'll consider it' was always better than 'no.' "So..." His cheeks started gathering a rose tint to them. "Earlier... that was quite inaproppriate of you."  
Kurapika smirked internally, keeping his poker face plastered on (which was considerably easier than it would have been a year ago, with all the depression and such). "What did I do earlier?"  
The man got more flustered at this question, regretting bringing the topic up. "Oh, you know I actually just forgot too and uh-"  
"Unfair. You brought it up, so you have to tell me." Kurapika could barely hide his smile. He missed Leorio so much, and for the first time in God-knows-how-long, his anxiety had melted away and being sober was okay. He felt at home. He felt safe.


End file.
